Art of not sulking

sulking (v): expressing hurt, annoyance or disappointment by withdrawing, being cold or bad tempered instead of explaining what is wrong

We all do it. An idea gets shot down, a priority changes or a decision goes the other way, and instead of saying what is wrong we go quiet and cold and wait for the other person to figure it out. It feels like it is about them. It’s not them, it’s you.

Before deciding someone doesn’t care or doesn’t understand, ask: have I actually explained what’s bothering me?

Alain de Botton blames romanticism, the idea that anyone who really cares about us should understand us without being told:

It is a lovely idea and a terrible way to run a team. Stop being a romantic. Replace “they should know” with “here’s what I need you to understand”.

Your idea != your identity¶

Even when we communicate clearly, we won’t always get the outcome we want. A rejected idea or a changed priority isn’t a rejection of you. Defend your reasoning without needing your original idea to win. Strong opinions, weakly held.

Roger Federer won nearly 80% of his matches and only about half of the points he played:

A team is no different. We can build something great without winning every exchange.

Keep the lesson, play the next point¶

So what do we do immediately after losing a point? Take a pause when you need one. Address what went wrong, but don’t let one frustrating moment dictate your next interaction.

Ted Lasso’s advice is to be a goldfish, the happiest animal on earth b/c it has a ten-second memory:

Resetting doesn’t mean ignoring the problem. It means not dragging it into everything else.

Turn frustration into a clear ask¶

Once we’ve reset, we can choose a useful next move. Instead of “whatever”, try “what would change this decision?” or “can we test my concern?”. A sulk gives the other person nothing to work with. A clear ask does.

Jocko Willink has a one-word answer for every setback:

You don’t have to like the setback. Ask what you can do next. And use this on yourself, not to dismiss a frustrated teammate.

Leaders go first¶

This applies to me first. I need to explain decisions, listen to concerns and accept criticism. “Don’t sulk” must never mean “don’t challenge me”.

More on how I handle feedback and conflict in my README.